My Story
After lots of research/writing in 2016, my blog traffic tripled in a week (thanks Google) and I packed my mom’s car for Denver. Thanks Mom!
In 2017, I became one of the first bloggers to challenge Bluehost’s “how to start a blog” affiliates by recommending SiteGround instead. I eventually became a “super affiliate” and referred ~3k people to them.
After that went downhill, I jumped ship to Cloudways, but settled at Rocket.net for better performance & Cloudflare Enterprise integration. There are plenty of other hosts I’ve researched/tested in spreadsheets which put me on a mission: help people “skip to the good stuff” while avoiding the noise that typically comes with a highly lucrative industry.
Why Hosting?
There’s a lot of money in it, which means it attracts a lot of companies who do lots of marketing – which means a sh*tload of misinformation. Most search results, Facebook groups, and forum/rating sites are trash.
My goal is to help people ignore the marketing and look at hard numbers, specs, and legitimate performance tests (i.e. Kevin Ohashi). Whether you need $5/mo or $2k/mo hosting, I will do my best to tell it like it is whether I get $150 or $0 when you use my aff links (thank you)!
I also write other speed optimization guides on CDNs, cache plugins, and core web vitals since part of hosting is getting your “setup” down. If you need help with anything, comment on the most relevant tutorial.
Me And My Crew
50 Random And Disturbing Things About Me
1. I once fell 25 feet while swinging on a tree rope. When I hit the ground, it left a scar on the side of my abdomen. It grows hair and I need to shave it sometimes.
2. I got fined $200 for puking on an Uber driver. My friends and I got kicked out of his car, I stripped down my boxers, tossed my clothes in a Mobil garbage can, and woke up naked.
3. I love crime documentaries – Forensic Files, 48 Hours, pretty much anything involving murder.
4. Here’s a video of me rapping “Lose Yourself” at my brother’s wedding.
5. When I was little, I rented a book from the library and lost it. My parents got the bill for the book titled “Gone Is Gone.”
6. How many wisdom teeth I had pulled out.
7. I blew up a bully’s mailbox in high school. When he came to my house, he was standing in the back of my friend’s El Camino holding a baseball bat. After giving his “speech,” my friend floored it and he fell face first in the car bed.
8. My W3 Total Cache + MaxCDN tutorial was a big reason my blog blew up and now has over 645 comments!
9. I stayed home from school one day claiming to be sick, then ate an entire box of oatmeal creme pies. My mom had to call me in sick the next day.
10. During a high school lunch break, me and some friends floored his minivan nicknamed “the green machine” to a McDonald’s on the Wisconsin border peaking 100mph, doors open, and waving swords out the doors.
11. I’ve smoked a cig on a rollercoaster before (wish I still had that pic).
12. When I’m around a lot of people, I like playing this ringtone.
13. I’m champ 3 in Rocket League (PSN is twogreenballs if you want to play). I made the name in college – don’t judge me! My balls aren’t green, they’re purple like my logo.
14. I’ve donated $6,000 to GoFundMe campaigns using affiliate income from my blog (Hurricane Harvey relief and feeding people in Denver).
15. Two truths and a lie. 1) My soccer team won the Disney Cup. 2) I won a nobel prize. 3) I won 1st in state for chess.
16. I got arrested in high school for growing 16 pot plans on my parent’s roof. My parents bailed me out of a felony via a lawyer who was basically best buds with the prosecutor.
17. For my 21st birthday, me and this girl shared the same birthday, so we threw a party with about 50 people. Someone brought mushrooms and by the end of the night, the whole house was on them. When we got to the bar for our first legal drinks, the only word I could muster up was “WATER!”
18. I almost died from a staph infection and had a C-reactive protein level of 131 when the normal is 14. Dr. Perkins from the SIUC health center literally saved my life when he drove me to the ER in his personal car where he insisted I get surgery ASAP. It was the highest CRP level the doctors had seen and said I was a day away from dying. They even did a medical study on me. I’m OK now thanks to Dr. Perkins.
19. Almost died part 2. A couple friends and I were flooring his Mom’s Subaru on what we thought was an on-ramp, but it was a dead end with a guard rail and trees. After seeing it at the last second (it was dark), we swerved off the road, drove through a concrete-cemented fence, and totaled the car. The reason we didn’t get arrested? Cops said there was a cocaine bust down the street.
20. “If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?” What I allegedly wrote in my friend’s yearbook.
21. I have the best 404 page on the internet (Route 66 where Forest Gump was shot).
22. I went to a Gwar concert and watched Sarah Pallin’s arms get ripped off.
23. When my brother and his ex broke up, he changed his FB relationship status to widowed.
24. The best part of flying is hearing the flight attendants calling everyone trash.
25. The best concert I’ve been to was Tool in Toledo, Ohio – with my Mom! We’ve seen them 4 times together so far.
26. I painted homes in Pine Ridge, South Dakota for a mission trip (see, I’m not that horrible of a person).
27. My Dad and I did a 2-week road trip to Southern Utah and Colorado. My favorite place was San Juan National Forest. It’s stunning in the fall.
28. I fainted at an Alanis Morissette concert after taking too many hits off a weed pen. Or was it because she looked me directly in the eyes? No, definitely the pen.
29. My accountant and I are starting an ice cream company called Tom and Henry’s. We’ve agreed all profits will be spent on attorneys.
30. Epstein didn’t kill himself.
31. When I got a speeding ticket, I took an online course that made you sit through videos before clicking the “next” button. I installed a Chrome Extension that clicked every 5 seconds. Passed!
32. I played the piano for 12 years. Pretty sure the only song I can play now is “A Thousand Miles” (never forget).
33. I started boxing in 2022 and train 4-5x/week so I can WHOOP SOME ASS. Definitely not because I was getting fat…
34. The first day I got my drivers license, I got pulled over for going 37 in a 25. I told my parents I had a blocker.
35. I’ve kicked a 60 yard field goal multiple times and hit 40’s consistently.
36. How old I am.
37. The best scene ever, but you have to see the ending.
38. Have you seen this South Park voice recording though?
39. Or the one about Charlie’s mom?
40. My first purchase before the Covid quarantine was 6x 32 oz. Skippy peanut butters from Costco.
41. I love going on hikes, biking, tubing down a river, and driving with the windows down.
42. Watching Anthony Jeselnik is my idea of a “bad” good time.
43. My favorite job was a Home City Ice delivery driver because I got to drive all over beautiful Southern Illinois.
44. Here’s a link to my Instagram where I post more travel/outdoor pics.
45. I make my own chemical-free shampoo, conditioner, and deoderent. Call me weird!
46. While I was on probation, I was walking to a college party when 2 campus police approached me from behind because they saw the beer I was drinking. When asked to see it, I said it was a Coke, pulled it out of my pocket, and chucked it on the ground to use as a distraction while I booked it. It worked!
47. I don’t do have the shit I used to.
48. But I still shave my abdomen.
49. Gotta use another box to thank my parents – they worked their ass off so my 2 brothers and I.
50. If you made it this far, you know too much.
WordPress Performance 101
- For hosting, use the fastest CPUs (i.e. in GHz) closest to visitors.
- For a CDN, use APO, CF Enterprise (some hosts), or QUIC.cloud.
- Hosting/CDN are the 2 main TTFB factors – make sure this is fast!
- Use QUIC’s DNS (LiteSpeed) or Cloudflare’s DNS (Apache + Nginx).
- Use LiteSpeed Cache (LiteSpeed) or FlyingPress (Apache + Nginx).
- Avoid Elementor/Divi (if not, make Elementor or Divi-specific optimizations.
- Avoid or optimize CSS/JS from themes, plugins, third-party scripts (see coverage report).
- Learn image optimizations and use tools (i.e. photoshop + CDNs + plugins) to automate this.
- Only use 1 font family, host it locally using woff2, and preload font file(s). Or just use system fonts.
- Especially if you run a WooCommerce site, focus on checkout performance and load tests over “scores.”
Get Your Advice From Reliable People
Not Reddit, TrustPilot, or most WordPress Facebook groups. Most of these are heavily maniuplated to favor certain hosting companies. Patrick Gallagher and Ben Gabler are great people to learn from, whether you use their service or not. I also like learning from Gijo Varghese + WP Johnny.
Pronaya (My Developer) Is The Man
Can you believe I’ve been working with the same overseas WordPress developer since 2011? Pronaya has been with me through thick and thin, always guiding me and checking my site to make sure it’s running smoothly. While I usually recommend him for speed optimization, I originally hired him for WordPress design/development (he even helped me build this site). Even when I was too poor to afford him, he just said “pay me back later.” That’s just the kind of person Pronaya is. Dropping a link to his freelancer profile is the least I could do: freelancer.com/u/bdkamol
Have A Tutorial Suggestion?
If you want me to write about a topic or a tutorial needs updating, my email is tom@onlinemediamasters.com. No unwanted solicitations please.
Peace ✌️
Tom